I really do

I prefer to die in the delirium of my own illusions than to never have experienced this reckless game with destiny...

Stopped by

As sharp as the needle piercing my skin,
It rips open blood and goosebumps.
I thought I could manage the pain,
But my clenching teeth say otherwise.
In a cold winter, and on a lonely weekend,
It seems venom has found its way into my mind,
Making my ideas foggy
And leading all that ephemeral satisfaction down the drain.
I don't know if I want to continue inhaling
Ink through my lungs.
The doubt that seems so carved in my chest
Is finding its way out,
And I’m still not prepared to confront its demands.

At least it's leaving a beautiful tattoo...

Not so easy, uh?

I still cry when I have to talk about it. It still hurts remembering all the events that led to that moment.
I wish I could joke about it, but I have never been able to. I can joke about everything else, but never about that.
I still choke on my words when trying to speak, and it's weird because I really want to tell you, but some part of me thinks that it would be so difficult, so damaging for me, so stressful to relive all that maybe it's not worth it. It's not worth investing my time and emotional energy in telling things to someone who is so volatile, who could leave at any minute. It's just not worth it.
But I have already practiced, and in those simulations, I still cannot end the story without crying...

The sea

He smiled at my joke, and his eyes and lips met the rim of the coffee cup. He took a sip and looked back at me. This time, I averted my gaze, repeating the process in a mechanical way. I felt hot, nervous, and scared that the unease settled in my stomach would make me throw up right in his face, and at that thought, I involuntarily made a face.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked, not missing a single movement, gesture, or sigh from me.

I didn't look at him until I had an answer ready, but I felt like I was in a game, like in a graphic novel where you're trying to date a character. I thought about my possible answers: a) About you (cheesy, classic, would make him smile), b) Talk about the weather, c) Work's making me anxious, d) I want to throw up.

I smiled, ignored all the options, and simply said, "Nothing."

He smiled back and lowered the cup onto the counter. "This is my moment," I thought, "I can't leave without kissing him."

I moved closer and hugged him, my arms—neither too tight nor too loose—wrapping around him sweetly. I pressed my ear against his chest and could feel his heart racing.

His arms wrapped around me, and he started to gently stroke my back, then began moving his leg, doing everything he could to avoid staying still, perhaps as a way of letting go of his own anxiety.

I asked him if he was nervous, and he said no. I laughed and told him I could hear his heart. He said something like, "That's not fair." Then he pulled away from me to rest his head against my chest. I laughed, given that we have quite the height difference.

Then we looked at each other, and it was instant. We leaned in and kissed. I started laughing in the middle of the kiss, releasing all my nervousness, laughing from happiness.

I remember it like it was yesterday, because I had dreamed of kissing him so many times, dreamed of hugging him so many times, so many times that I felt like an idiot.

Today, that dream has come true, and even though it might seem like nothing, It's been everything I’ve wanted lately, my dream, the precious sea where I want to drown all my desires.

Nothingness

It seems like an eternity since the last time I saw you.

I know it has only been a week,

But I cannot fight my longing.

At least it doesn't feel so bad anymore.

I'm not hoping for a change in the story,

A change that I know, that everyone knows, won't happen.

I'm happy, though.

I wanted something, and I got it.

I wanted you, and I got you

Temporary, like everything in this world.

But I hug myself

Because in the end,

In this world full of voids,

The truth, the longing, the hoping, and all the feelings that are soon fading

Made me pure and golden

Among these hollow people,

Full of nothing...