Special star

Vibrating in my chest,

soft breathing, soft heartbeats.

Listen to me, I’m whispering.

A tranquil river flows in its own stream,

praying to the goddess of water,

calming my heart, freezing my words.

I believe in my dream as I believe in your future.

Can you ease my restless sorrow?

Listen to me, I’m whispering.

Like windmills standing still, even in storms,

I pray to the god of wind

bringer of peace, the air I breathe.

It places a hand on my back, gently pushing me forward.

Listen to me, I’m whispering.

Where will you wander? Where will you sleep?

The earth trembles, the sea rises.

We made our promises as if they were sacred,

but the end always feels near.

I pray to the god of war,

resonating with my darkness,

founder of tears and fears,

longing to shield you from it all.

Still, I see your happiness as something worth protecting.

Your memory beats in my mind

behind my eyes, I see your smile.

Even when you have no words,

I’d break the world just to hear your laughter.

It’s like rewarding my weary soul

with stars from conquered skies.

With you, my little star, my final hope.

Listen to me, let me lay you to sleep.

Rest, as my whispers fade to silence,

turning into prayers,

asking all the gods to protect you

the pure soul that cleanses my sins.

Creo que lo más triste de todo es que no puedo decir lo triste que estoy a nadie porque no quiero ser juzgada.

Magic tea

 S went to the restroom, leaving me alone with M.
“What else?” he asked.

I told him about the time I thought he would get angry and yell at me, but he didn’t. He stayed calm, fixing the situation and telling me not to worry. I confessed how scared I’d been, bracing myself for the outburst I was certain would come... like my dad or more like my ex.

M smiled, that reassuring smile a friend gives when you need it most.
“I’m so happy you ended that relationship,” he said. “You’re not made to receive crumbs.”

I shared how difficult it is to have a brain wired for constant vigilance, always expecting the worst, always on edge. He smiled again, softer this time, and I found myself smiling back.

In that moment, I felt a flicker of hope, knowing I could change my thoughts, rewire my brain, and create a healthy, beautiful relationship.

Control.
All I need is control.

Blistering Suns

 It succumbs to the power of the night,
where waiting feels like desperation.
With clouded thoughts and a restless heart,
it surrenders to the deepest darkness
every bone, every nerve, every fragment of flesh
offered freely, willingly.

It dances dangerously at the edge of madness,
eyes burning with blistering suns.
Spiders lurking in every corner,
waiting for their turn to move,
watching the knight in shining armor save the day.

Its scent, a mix of sweat and the sweetest perfume in the world
viciously inhaling life in mere seconds.
Still whispering apologies for sins long past,
strange how twilight found it naked again.

Breaching every limit to reach the pleasure,
and the pain, welcomed as an old friend.
Soft skin, soft hair, entangled in little fingers,
obsessed with the touch of the soul,
the merging of souls.

Almost welcoming the desire to die tonight
if only in those arms...

The ultimate parley

I talked with Saturn last night.

I told it how I ran free in those fields,

how it grew inside me when I thought it couldn’t expand further.

I told it how I embrace so tightly that my arms ache for reassurance,

how my tears turn pure, refracting light into prismatic angles.

And it didn’t answer...

I talked with Venus this morning.
I told it about those eyes and those sighs 
so unreal in their beauty.
I told it how I would ruin the world just to see them, 
how I would tear apart every fiber of my being
if it meant keeping their light from dimming.
I told it how my soul reverberates with pure joy
at the mere scent of that other soul.
And it didn’t answer...

Now, I’m talking with Death.
I’m telling it how I will fight.
I’m telling it how I will protect what is precious to me.
I say, loud and clear, that I will never give up.
I could disappear,
return to the womb that birthed me,
seek peace in my solitude
sleep in my dark space
but in the end, I always win my battles.

I thought about giving up for a moment.
But I am a thousand times stronger than that.

And this time, I got an answer.

"You keep on fighting, but at some point, you will dance with me," it said.

But for now
the l word is my shield.
That expression, my sword.
And my strength? That’s mine...

Ceiling's weight

I looked at my cellphone as another reel passed by.
The sound of the clock had half my attention,
the hum of the fan had the other.

My body sat gracelessly on the couch,
bare feet resting on a pillow,
hair cascading freely down my back.

I wanted to smoke so badly that I clenched my teeth.
My gaze drifted to the ceiling,
my head falling back against the couch with no resistance.
A sigh escaped my lips, and I closed my eyes.

My mind was so loud that everything else went numb
the phone, the ceiling, the clock.
Why do thoughts scream the loudest when silence is suffocating?

It was 3 AM.
At that hour, nothing feels sacred.
Nothing is black or white.
Nothing is good or wrong.

Was I always this clueless?
I used to hate messy, clumsy people.
But now I realize I’m clumsy as fuck.
Do we hate what we are?

I wanted to wave goodbye to all the things that bothered me,
all the things about myself that bothered me.
Guilt crept in again, the familiar weight of being "bad."
Was I always sabotaging the good in my life,
or is this a new trait?

But then his words made sense
I don’t own all the responsibility.
I don’t own all the blame.

I own my anxiety, my feelings, my erratic actions
always wanting to escape sensations I don’t like,
always wanting to run from what could harm me.

Maybe I will always be a coward,
running from everything,
avoiding people, avoiding consequences.
Maybe I’m just that sick.

Well, you can take another shot,
and I’ll keep working on myself like I always do.
But for the first time,
I don’t want to be the one to decide.

Hahahan't

I stopped crying when I realized I was being too harsh on myself.

I don’t think I’m the one to blame.

I don’t think there’s any blame to place at all.

Supposedly, we should be able to talk about anything

but I think that’s not the case.

Why do I feel so insecure?

I think about the others in your past

how perfect they must have been,

how skinny, how beautiful,

how good in bed,

with no eating disorders,

no anxiety

and it breaks my heart.

I know I’m the problem.

I know how broken I am.

And just thinking about how much work I’ve done,

only to feel like I’m back at the same place...

It just makes me feel like garbage.

It’s not you.

It’s just my fucked-up brain.

I just need a hug and to hear that everything's going to be ok.