Ashes

I miss you so much
that for a moment
it feels like I’ll lose all my self control
and run to find you.

I miss you so much
that my voice seems to know only one word
your name.

I miss you so much
that dreaming of you
is the only thing that makes me happy.

I miss you so much
that my insides burn
at the thought
that I can’t have you.

I miss you so much
that my hands ache,
because all they want
is to write to you.

I miss you so much
that my tears
taste like you.

But it’s only me,
missing
the version of you I fell in love with
the version that no longer exists.

Nothingness

I was having fun,
I was laughing and smoking,
and all of a sudden,
I wished you were there,
having fun with me.

And all of a sudden,
I wanted to see you smile,
because I used to love your smile.

What a stupid thought,
wanting you near me,
when now we are nothing to each other.
Or maybe…
I was always nothing.

Nightmare

I know you are in the next room,
and I can't stop thinking about you.
While my teacher talks and talks about any subject,
my mind drags me into thoughts I don’t want to have.

I’m smoking again, you know.
The last crisis didn’t pass without a cigarette.
And I know you don’t care,
but my fingers ache from the so many times
I’ve wanted to write you.

Yeah, yeah, 'it’s gonna pass,' they say,
but right now it feels so unbearable to live.
How can time pass more quickly?

I wish I could sleep until September ends,
like that Green Day song.
Wake me when this sorrow passes,
when your name no longer tastes like bitterness,
when seeing you doesn’t make me want to vomit.

Wake me then
when all this nightmare ends.
Wake me and tell me it was all a dream,
and that we are still together,
fighting our own battles,
but still together.

Just let me dream a little more...

Tender sleeplessness

We will never go to the beach,
and I will never tell you that I love you with the sound of the waves as a soundtrack.

We will never watch the movies I wrote,
and I will never fall asleep in your arms again.

We will never play Catan with my sister again,
and you will never get angry again because of the 'sister alliance'

We will never listen to Ghost in the car again,
and I will never sing softly enjoying the music, but even more, your company.

We will never play COD ,
and I will never try to make you laugh again with stupid things.

I will never kiss your lips again,
or try to savor every fiber of your being.

We will never hear your mother again,
or laugh about her anecdotes.

We will never talk about things again,
and I will never listen to you quietly while imagining every word you’re saying.

We will never breathe the same air,
we will never moan in the same room again.

And maybe that’s okay.
Maybe I can learn to forget you
even when my heart cries your name out loud.

I can learn to forget you.
And when some time passes,
I will live my life as if everything is normal,
but my heart will still ache
because you were the one I wanted.

And I decided to leave.

I decided to leave...

Even with all the love still in my hands,
I understood that before holding him,
I had to hold myself.
It was not a lack of love, nor of care,
it was the certainty that my life was asking me
to protect myself first...

Raw

A part of me hates him,
like, why didn’t you fight for me?
You are never going to find someone better than me,
you pathetic piece of shit.

And then I think
but why would I want someone so nothing to choose me?
And then I only pity him,
because he has made so many mistakes in his life,
and now he is paying for them all.

Last seconds

Y yo estaba ahí llorando, con el corazón en la mano.

Y el saco el celular...

Como si yo no existiera...

Como si mi llanto lo incomodara...

Y eso fue lo último que pude decir de nosotros. 

Stop breathing.

 A veces siento que olvido respirar
como si estuviera constantemente bajo el agua,
como si mis pulmones ya no funcionaran,
como si toda la vida se me escapara en un segundo.

Creí que eras mi oxigeno,
pero contigo solo se me apretaba el pecho aun más,
creí que eras mi alimento,
pero contigo solo podía vomitar.

Y aún entre tanto dolor,
me dan ganas de fantasear que me hablas y me dices que arreglemos esto,
que aun podemos salir adelante,
que todavía valemos algo.
Aún con el ghosting,
aún con el vinculo que llevaba yo sola,
aún con todo eso,
pareciera que lo sigo anhelando.

Que cerebro mas retorcido,
que corazón tan obsesionado con el dolor,
que culpa tengo yo,
que he hecho tan mal,
necesito dejar de respirar,
no es justo,
simplemente no es justo. 

Post it babe

My eyes are sore,

I’m so tired of crying.

So sick of this,

So sick of me.

’Cause I’m the only one to blame,

No one but me.

I gave second chances,

I tried to fix things.

I wanted to take care of bonds,

But I was also a dreamer.

Maybe I shouldn’t blame myself for being a dreamer,

Because what is made with love

Brings love back

Or at least that's what I want to believe,

So this won’t be so painful...

I used to

Solía hacerlo tanto tanto,

que pensaba que solo mis pulmones se llenarían con el oxígeno que tu exhalabas.

Solía hacerlo tanto tanto,

que mi belleza solo tendría sentido si eras tu quien la apreciaba.

Solía hacerlo tanto tanto,

que podría haberme convertido en polvo si dejabas de abrazarme.

Solía hacerlo tanto tanto,

que disfracé mis verdaderos sentimientos una y mil veces para no volver a herirte.

Solía hacerlo tanto tanto,

que deje que me hirieras una y mil veces con tal de mantenerte a salvo.

Solía hacerlo tanto tanto,

que teniendo tanta rabia y pena encima ni siquiera pude odiarte.

Y todo eso me destruyó,
y todo eso se me encerró en el pecho y comenzó a asfixiarme,
y todo eso nunca llego a un puerto.

Que fue tan magullado,

tan herido,

que hablar de el,

debería estar prohibido.

No quiero volver a aquello

es más, acepto que no puedo hacerlo otra vez.

Prefiero tener un corazón vacío, a volver a ser la que se desvive, y no puede vivir.