13 dic 2024

Then, again...

At the beginning, it felt like first love
the anxiety, the expectations, the nerves.
Even the idealization seemed childish.
Then came the uncertainty,
the not knowing,
and my chest would ache at the thought of losing you,
until it just went numb.

Now it’s new.
Now it’s the honeymoon phase.
It seems like, with us, nothing is normal.
Nothing has an order, nothing a pattern.
Things just happen,
like life.
They just happen
like you and me,
the unmatchable people who ended up together.

Remembering the past,
In every crowd, in every dark space,
I could find you without wanting to.
I could watch you even when I tried to avoid you,
when I was blind to everything but you.

I was always so drawn to you,
so attached to the thought of you being mine someday,
of us belonging to each other,
of joining our hands and touching our lips.

When I fell in love,
I was so scared of those feelings.
Even then, I held on to the hope that this could work.
And even when I shed tears,
I still had hope.

And I’m grateful for that
for waiting,
for being patient.

Because now,
I couldn’t be happier.
Now that we are together,
and everything has sorted itself out,
it just feels so natural,
like breathing.

And I’ve realized
you became my oxygen...


30 nov 2024

So blind

I’m stunned,
surprised like I haven’t been in a long time.
I usually tend to be quite apathetic about life,
or lean toward pessimism.

Today, I’m trying to decipher what I’m feeling.
I know I’m happy, 
but there’s something underneath,
something bothering me.

If this was what I wanted,
if I was so sure about it,
why am I doubting?

Maybe I’m just scared.
I thought this would never happen,
and I was ready to let go.

Well, let this settle in.
Let this grow.
We’re not alone anymore...





18 nov 2024

November rain

What a prophecy this is,
sent by signs I asked for a while ago.
The subway is quite empty, and it makes me doubt where I’m heading.
The calendar makes me doubt even more
counting days and weeks, feeling so hollow as time passes without shared teas.

Why is it cold again? Isn’t it November already?
Where is my summer, threatening to burn my skin?
Well, I’m always observing others,
an observer of pretty things,
but a protagonist of tragedies.
(Yeah, I read that in some meme.)

There are five stations more to go
before I arrive at my destination.
It seems I’m not dressed for the occasion, though.
The temperature has dropped more than I can handle with just a jacket, jeans, and a crop top.
What a lazy girl I am
too distracted to even check the weather.
My head has been in space all day.
ppp
Maybe I shouldn’t be here.
I know where I want to be
although impossible, I know what I want.
At least I’m not faking.
I’ve been honest about my inclinations.
People can say many things about me,
but never that I faked something.

I’m sleepy now.
The subway’s movement makes me drowsy.
Even with 12 hours of sleep, I still feel exhausted.

One station to go, and I’m freezing.
The couple kissing in front of me has already left,
leaving us without their presence.
They looked so happy.
An observer of happiness, that’s me.

I got up from my seat and went to the stairs,
heading to the streets,
where the sky was messy and wanted to cry.
Like I wanted to.

I felt anguished and didn’t know why.
Well, I did.
I was ashamed.
Every time I remembered that night, I felt so ashamed.
(I already wrote something else about that.)
But in that moment, I felt really bad.

I don’t know if I’m being played,
if I’m being lied to.
What’s the point of showing your true colors,
your true self, to someone you can’t trust?
It’s just stupid.

And with that thought, the rain started to fall
big, round drops,
clouding my glasses.
“I’m going to get sick again,” I thought.

But then I saw him.
In his brown car, with his pretty long hair, I saw him,
coming to me,
to my rescue.

I hurried to get in the car,
hiding from the cold and that November rain.
I smiled at him.
In that moment,
he was my savior.


3 nov 2024

Where the shivers End

It's cold again,
it seems winter doesn't want to back down,
but here between my hands,
it's still spring.

I used to ask the rain what Mondays in bed with its presence would be like,
and it used to answer me with silence.
Even now, after knowing the feeling of rain and coffee in bed,
all I want is the sun, burning sun on my skin.

I can feel it in my shoulders.
I’d choose this kind of fog to numb my sight,
to tell me that dinner is served
and that mischief is on the menu.

Spinning under the rain,
dreaming of warmth,
craving heat and hating the cold.
Honey, let it sink
and meet me where you can’t control the shivers.

27 oct 2024

Si alguna vez me tocará morir

El viento enfurecido me despeinó con rapidez, y así mismo se robó parte de la ceniza de mi cigarro, manchando sus pantalones. Sonreí burlona mientras él se limpiaba, concentrado.

Seguí balanceando mis piernas y pegué una calada al pucho.

—Me emperra tu silencio —dijo mirando al horizonte.

—Amo mi silencio —respondí, fumando nuevamente. Su pierna estaba a centímetros de la mía; podía sentir su calor y nuestros cuerpos miraban en la misma dirección.

—Me da un poco de miedo la verdad —dijo, sonriendo y mirándose los zapatos.

—El silencio no puede hacer más daño que las palabras. —Traté de ser enigmática, y solo recibí una risa ante mi observación, casualmente profunda. Pero a la risa no le siguió ningún comentario suyo, así que ataqué de nuevo—. Es como dice Mia en Pulp Fiction: ¿por qué necesitas hablar de cualquier estupidez para evitar los silencios incómodos? La gente debería aprender a callarse cuando no tiene nada relevante que decir.

—A veces también hablas puras huevadas, ¿sabes? —dijo riéndose y mirándome.

—Pff… —Aparté la mirada fingiendo enojo—. Tomaré eso como un "quédate callada", pero sin entender por qué me reclamabas antes.

—Porque no me llamaste llorando solo para quedarte callada. O borraste otra base de datos?—Su mano encontró mi hombro y me sacudió suavemente.

—Touché —pronuncié levantando las cejas—. Quizás solo quería compañía para fumar. —Se volvió a reír y encendió uno propio.

—Listo, misión cumplida. Acompañándonos. —El silencio volvió a ceñirse sobre nosotros.

—Hasta diciembre, ese es el límite. Si no se aclara, cierro el ciclo. Y comienzo un nuevo año libre, con luto pero libre —dije tan convencida que hasta yo me lo creí, y debo creerlo.

Pasó su brazo por mis hombros y me acercó para besar mi frente.

—Hasta diciembre...

21 oct 2024

Let's smoke

Eyes drift from the TV to broad shoulders,
Lost in another world, so immersed.
Smiling at the sound of that voice.
But wandering
Why? Why again?
Lost, sinking, crashing.
What’s the point?
Nothing left 
Emptiness, hollowness, ego, superficial words.
Nothing real.
Addicted to uncertainty,
Rollercoaster of highs and lows,
Unsure of where it’s all heading.
Getting tired of this too.
That much is clear.
I want to truly rest, being vulnerable.
Disposable feelings.
Craving, something deeper.
Time for another cigar.



5 oct 2024

Silent tides

I’ve dreamt about it countless times this week,
then panic mode sets in.
Sometimes it feels more like hope,
but deep down, I’m truly scared, and I feel so alone.
If the waters move against me,
can I swim along with them?

I know, I know
it’s my fault,
but maybe it's not.
Or maybe,
I can fake madness
until everything runs its course.
Names and names,
they circle in my ear,
flowers and a soft voice,
cigars and a scream lost in the morning.

Maybe I can save the moon,
maybe, in a bitter sigh,
I can dream again.


15/04 = Esto lo escribí cuando estuve con un atraso y llegué llorando a la casa de la Cote a hacerme un test, salió negativo pero el pánico que tuve fue inmenso. La Cote se enojó, preguntándome porque la persona que debería estar ahí conmigo no lo estaba, y yo solo lloraba...

28 sept 2024

Storytelling

Every narrative has its flaws,
I have seen them, I have lived them,
I have traded my wisdom for my hatred,
And I have paid for it.

I have touched the breath of death,
Unable to control my demons for being fragile under their gaze,
Hiding behind a children's tale,
Knowing that I live in a suspense novel.

I can't fight against the antagonist either,
I really can't defeat that villain,
That headless king marching alongside fallen heroes,
Sweetly tormenting me,
Calling upon the spirit of doom.

I would like to hide,
What a cowardly narrator,
One who knows that needs to watch, feel, write.
I will swim in this corrupted dawn,
Drinking from its screams, sipping from its cup of wine.

Every narrative has its flaws,
And I haven't been able to create the perfect setting,
I have surrendered to its control of time,
To its senseless battles.
Filling my ocean with furious waves,
That cannot speak the truth.

And I have created the most painful climax, yet the most perfect for me,
The most confusing, tangled, and blasphemous of all,
Cruelly playing among shadows,
Hiding that dark seal,
As dark as my soul.

And the ending doesn’t matter,
Because there are always flaws,
Cruel flaws
That eventually turn into virtues,
Sweet virtues
Entwined in the soul,
Screaming that you should love the plot more...
Than the conclusion.

26 sept 2024

Pucho del barrio

Caminaba en silencio de vuelta a casa, se me había pasado la micro y la siguiente demoraría mucho más en pasar. Ni siquiera quise ponerme los audífonos, prefería estar atenta a mis alrededores, no fuera a ser que la mala suerte golpeara mi puerta nuevamente y me viera entregando todas mis pertenencias a un lanza de cuarta.

Pasé frente a la calle a la que tanto tiempo había estado acostumbrada a frecuentar, y me quedé parada frente a ella, observando aquella puerta que me traía tantos recuerdos. De la nada, siento mi nombre siendo pronunciado detrás mío, y un poco sobresaltada giré sobre mis talones. Ah, la vida, sus coincidencias, sus curiosidades.

"en qué andai?" preguntó con aquella voz tan suave, esa voz que yo conocía muy bien, que no tiene nada de dulce, sino más bien amarga.

"caminando a la casa", indiqué como quien no quiere la cosa.

"te acompaño?"

"y después cómo te devuelves?"

"pido uber, como la gente normal." Aaaah, gente normal. Que fome ser normal.

"si quieres", respondí, aún quedaba un poco de luz.

Caminamos lado a lado en silencio unos buenos minutos. En mi cabeza, contaba los segundos hasta que explotara y comenzara a hacerme preguntas, "por qué me borraste?", "por qué no me volviste a hablar?", "por qué desapareciste?", "por qué?", "por qué?". El porqué del porqué. Pero no llegaron. Como que ya sé, el 99% de los eventos catastróficos que me imagino solo pasan en mi cabeza.

"cómo está tu mami?" Mi vieja. Nadie se olvida de mi vieja. Qué linda es mi vieja.

Respondí mirando al piso, "bien, tranqui, trabajólica como siempre. La tuya?"

Se puso a reír. "ahí la tengo en la casa, hipertensa, con los achaques de la edad."

Durante varias cuadras más no dijimos nada. Luego volvió a atacar.

"tay con alguien?"

"no, mala suerte en el amor, tú cachai."

Se volvió a reír. "te cacho, pero no tan mala tampoco. Cuánto estuviste con el cabrito de Valpo?"

"siete años."

"harto po, pa tener mala suerte. Tabai enamorá?"

Ahora me reí yo. "más que la chucha."

Silencio nuevamente. Saqué la cajetilla de la chaqueta y le ofrecí un pucho. Lo tomó diciendo gracias. Le siguió el encendedor. Prendimos los respectivos puchos y seguimos caminando. Puta que se me hizo largo.

"no estoy enojada contigo", dijo de la nada. Me tomó por sorpresa.

"yo sí lo estaría."

"pero tú te enojai por todo."

Touché. Lo que siguió no lo entendí bien porque pasó un motoboy, pero tampoco necesitaba aclaración. No estaba enojada nomás, sus argumentos poco me importaban. Caminamos un poco más, ya casi llegando.

"yo siempre me acuerdo de ti", dijo, como melancólica.

"yo a veces me acuerdo de ti, cuando ando por acá."

"deberíai pasar a verme, quizás retomar el contacto..."

Paré y la miré. "tú cachai que eso no estaría bien, cierto?"

Se puso a reír y tiró la colilla a la calle. "Tenís razón. Ya te dejo acá."

"espero tu Uber?"

"ná, yo igual quiero caminar."

Y se fue, con más respuestas que preguntas, con su caminar altanero, con su pelo al viento y su sonrisa a medias. Se fue, como diciendo: igual sí estoy un poco enojá...

25 sept 2024

Wanting

Please God, please give me what I want—
And what I want right now
Is for all this anger, all this hate, to crash down on him like terrible waves.

Let him suffer,
Because I feel so used.
Let him suffer,
Because I know he deserves it.


14/04 = Esta rabia ya la había sentido, ¿Qué pasó que decidí dar una segunda oportunidad? 

24 sept 2024

Needing a miracle

It burns,
Aches in my chest,
This need still dances in a dead space.
The misty moon, once again, judges my breath.

The figure seems to have faded,
And my shouts echo through the street,
But here I lay, bare in the sheets.

Once, the scent of corpses seemed alluring
A shadow between worlds and sounds.
Now, I want to swallow it whole,
Obsessing over the trivial
Because it’s easier than facing the void.

Of course, bad luck leaves no trace of its making.
It just kills everything in its wake.

14 sept 2024

Wey, ya lo sabía

You know what's funny?
I know exactly what this motherfucker came to teach me.
Nothing about Python, Java, or that other thing that I can't even remember anymore.
And yet, this is the most important lesson I'll keep in my mind forever...

I'm not difficult to love, I'm actually a good person, I deserve more, I deserve better.

13 sept 2024

 Ok, that's it, I give up...

11 sept 2024

Angry people make good suspects

4 sept 2024

Pain

There is something magical about pain,
Something too pure for this world,
Something that means more than meets the eye.
Because if you are in pain,
It means that you care,
It means that it was important,
It meant something.
And that something will always be perfect
In its own imperfection,
In its own volition.
Something eternal
That leaves you with nothing
But pain...

25 ago 2024

I really do

I prefer to die in the delirium of my own illusions than to never have experienced this reckless game with destiny...

18 ago 2024

Stopped by

As sharp as the needle piercing my skin,
It rips open blood and goosebumps.
I thought I could manage the pain,
But my clenching teeth say otherwise.
In a cold winter, and on a lonely weekend,
It seems venom has found its way into my mind,
Making my ideas foggy
And leading all that ephemeral satisfaction down the drain.
I don't know if I want to continue inhaling
Ink through my lungs.
The doubt that seems so carved in my chest
Is finding its way out,
And I’m still not prepared to confront its demands.
At least it's leaving a beautiful tattoo...

13 ago 2024

Not so easy, uh?

I still cry when I have to talk about it. It still hurts remembering all the events that led to that moment.
I wish I could joke about it, but I have never been able to. I can joke about everything else, but never about that.
I still choke on my words when trying to speak, and it's weird because I really want to tell you, but some part of me thinks that it would be so difficult, so damaging for me, so stressful to relive all that maybe it's not worth it. It's not worth investing my time and emotional energy in telling things to someone who is so volatile, who could leave at any minute. It's just not worth it.
But I have already practiced, and in those simulations, I still cannot end the story without crying...

The sea

He smiled at my joke, and his eyes and lips met the rim of the coffee cup. He took a sip and looked back at me. This time, I averted my gaze, repeating the process in a mechanical way. I felt hot, nervous, and scared that the unease settled in my stomach would make me throw up right in his face, and at that thought, I involuntarily made a face.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked, not missing a single movement, gesture, or sigh from me.

I didn't look at him until I had an answer ready, but I felt like I was in a game, like in a graphic novel where you're trying to date a character. I thought about my possible answers: a) About you (cheesy, classic, would make him smile), b) Talk about the weather, c) Work's making me anxious, d) I want to throw up.

I smiled, ignored all the options, and simply said, "Nothing."

He smiled back and lowered the cup onto the counter. "This is my moment," I thought, "I can't leave without kissing him."

I moved closer and hugged him, my arms—neither too tight nor too loose—wrapping around him sweetly. I pressed my ear against his chest and could feel his heart racing.

His arms wrapped around me, and he started to gently stroke my back, then began moving his leg, doing everything he could to avoid staying still, perhaps as a way of letting go of his own anxiety.

I asked him if he was nervous, and he said no. I laughed and told him I could hear his heart. He said something like, "That's not fair." Then he pulled away from me to rest his head against my chest. I laughed, given that we have quite the height difference.

Then we looked at each other, and it was instant. We leaned in and kissed. I started laughing in the middle of the kiss, releasing all my nervousness, laughing from happiness.

I remember it like it was yesterday, because I had dreamed of kissing him so many times, dreamed of hugging him so many times, so many times that I felt like an idiot.

Today, that dream has come true, and even though it might seem like nothing, It's been everything I’ve wanted lately, my dream, the precious sea where I want to drown all my desires.

Nothingness

It seems like an eternity since the last time I saw you.
I know it has only been a week,
But I cannot fight my longing.
At least it doesn't feel so bad anymore.
I'm not hoping for a change in the story,
A change that I know, that everyone knows, won't happen.
I'm happy, though.
I wanted something, and I got it.
I wanted you, and I got you
Temporary, like everything in this world.
But I hug myself
Because in the end,
In this world full of voids,
The truth, the longing, the hoping, and all the feelings that are soon fading
Made me pure and golden
Among these hollow people,
Full of nothing...

11 jul 2024

Pretending

Even in dreams, I know that you are holding my waist,
I know that your head is pressing on my chest,
And in a fragile slumber, I'm caressing your back.
Your smell is deep in my conscience,
Relaxing all my senses and making me sleep again,
Knowing that the alarm will go off any minute,
But not wanting to acknowledge reality.
I don't know what the future brings,
Nothing lasts forever,
And this is not the exception,
At least for the moment,
Let me pretend I'm still sleeping...


29 jun 2024

What brings the night

23 jun 2024

Demise

My thoughts seem like a prison I cannot escape,
Actually, more like a torture chamber,
Painfully bringing out the worst of me,
Hurting every fiber of my lonely being.
Light seems to run away from this place,
Leaving me in darkness with the animal that I hide.
What lovely illusion,
What lovely picture,
But the curtain has fallen again,
I have feelings, you know?
I have many things in store
But I will not stand again for a bond that I can only carry,
Not again.
So then, the animal that I hide,
craving for you,
must devour once more,
Every feeling, every breath, every thought
Bringing back my body to this dark room,
Prisoner of my own demise,
My own doom,
Far away

22 jun 2024

Such difficult feeling to want something so bad, and to have to stop yourself because you know is bad for you.

8 jun 2024

 Demasiada humillación para toda una vida.

22 may 2024

Let it hurt

Exhalé el humo del cigarro mientras miraba concentrada mi té, el frío del invierno que nos acechaba pronto lo enfriaría también. Escuché sin expresión como sus palabras se me hacían un nudo en la garganta, y quise fumarme la cajetilla entera solo para tener algo que hacer. Volví mi mirada hacia mi interlocutor, debía fingir presencia pero estaba tan cansada de todo que apenas podía enmascarar mis sentimientos.

Su voz me llegó muy distante a pesar de tenerle frente a mi, como si el ruido blanco en mis oidos mantuviera todo realmente alejado, protegiéndome en mi burbuja para que el frío no pudiera entrar, o nada más.
Golpié suavemente el cigarro en el cenicero para desprenderlo de su deshecho. Y tuve que reír forzadamente ante una broma para seguir con mi actuación. Y me pregunté ¿Por qué estaba ahí en primer lugar? ¿Qué planeo lograr evitando sentir? ¿A quién quiero engañar con tanto silencio? ¿Son necesarias todas estas distracciones?

No quería verme vulnerable de ninguna forma, no quería parecer débil, ni dramática, ni nada que se le pareciera. Pero ¿es acaso tan malo sentir? ¿Rompería mis propias reglas si digo todo lo que quiero decir?

Esta vez me tocó dejar de disociar y tuve que responder unas cuantas preguntas. En mi cabeza seguía siendo un magnífico plan salir con gente random, estudiar y llenarme de pega solo para no parar, solo para no sentir. Porque sentir todo lo que estaba sintiendo en ese momento sería realmente impensable para mi.

Y en mi pieza, escuché la lluvia afuera como devoraba todo, como limpiaba todo, como mis propias lágrimas se perdían en ella, en la imparable lluvia. Y quise ser como ella, y volví a repetirme, deja que duela hoy, que duela lo que tenga que doler, que no es para siempre.

20 may 2024

Just another game

Writing to you seems so ridiculous, why should I do it when I can speak?

But I can't. You still seem so distant to me, despite having you so close. I still feel like I could burn just by touching you.

I would love to enter your head, read every thought, be surprised by your ideas, savor every memory, only the ones we shared though. I don't need your past, just your present.

So, can I ask? What do you really want from me? What is the reason for maintaining this bond? Did you already get what you wanted, or do you want more?

Knowing I'm so vulnerable makes me uncomfortable, knowing that if you ask me for something, I would do it, knowing that if you call me, I would go. In the end, everything seems unbearable.

I know my worth, I know what I deserve, but still, my mind only thinks of you. With this constant curiosity, knowing that I could get hurt and yet I want more, I'm in an infinite loop that I can't escape. And your silence is agony.

Is it wrong to give myself like this? With eyes closed? Should I feign even more indifference? In these power games, no one taught me how to win, and it's not surprising because I always lose, I always lose.

19 may 2024

Words

This is my safe place, my pretty place, my comfort zone. It is sacred, it is pure, where my true feelings rest, where I don't have to hide, where I don't have to fake, where I can cry and I can laugh. Yes, it's public, and that's kind of dangerous, but I don't think anyone can find it easily, not without wanting to, not without actively looking for it.

So, are you interested in my thoughts, feelings, unbridled rage?

Words are everything I have, although not the spoken ones, the written ones. Those that are often overlooked by people, those that are so easily ignored. They are like me though, easily forgotten...

15 may 2024

Payback

Lost in unwelcome thoughts,
my fingers dance upon the table,
with time working against me,
and my lips more bruised than usual.

I feel stuck in the middle,
motionless, frozen,
yearning to advance, yet chained to the floor,
dread consuming me.

Last week, sorrow reigned over me,
but now, anger controls my domain,
so fierce, so relentless,
that it could shatter the very essence of existence.

Do you dare to challenge me?

Bro, I  already saw this in countless scenarios,
prepare yourself,
retribution is coming.

12 may 2024

Roma no se construyó en un día

Se me nublaron los ojos y se me cayeron unas lagrimitas,
se me apretó el pecho y se me secó la boca,
pero esta vez no me juzgué,
no me reté mentalmente,
tampoco pensé en lo mal que era tener pena,
más bien me entendí,
me abracé,
me hice cariñito,
y lloré con más ganas.

Voy a ser vulnerable hoy,
voy a llorar todo lo que quiera hoy,
no está siendo tan fácil,
y no tengo porque callármelo todo.
Mañana veré como estoy,
porque no tengo porque estar bien de un día para otro.

Después de toda mi autoexigencia,
y todo lo que me he propuesto aprender rápido,
también tengo que aprender a estar mal. 



8 may 2024

Shh

I used to love silence,
It was my guide in tumultuous times,
My comfort zone,
My favorite sound.

But now it's different,
Silence drowns me,
Deafens me,
Drags me down,
And it's no longer my refuge.

Before, staying silent, listening, and smiling were easy.
Now, it's torturous.
I want to speak, to say everything,
To tell everything,
But I'm so used to silence that no words escape me.

Now you've remained silent, and I can't bear the screams in my mind.



29 abr 2024

Test

Cuando estoy triste es cuando más escribo,
ahora que está todo tranquilo,
ahora que todo tiene un color muy extraño pero acogedor,
no sé que escribir.

Solo sé que me arden los dedos por tocar más que el teclado.

27 abr 2024

 Odio la dualidad de tratarnos de usted en público,
y mordernos cuando estamos a solas.
Igual, quien me manda ah

26 abr 2024

Las ojeras grandes de no tener sueño,
y mi lugar preferido, donde habita el olvido.

19 abr 2024

Starved

Seen so many faces,
so many eyes,
and so many smiles.
But yours, honey,
yours seem to be carved in my mind,
replaying themselves between dreams.
And I wish, oh, I wish so bad
that you would smile more for me.

Fear and pain are tasty, but not yours, not yours.
However, blood's a different story,
yours seems to be the only one I would drink.
Helplessly lost in a frenzy of hunger,
yours, I would devour.

16 abr 2024

 Such a strange sensation when the reality matches what you've pictured in your mind so precisely

 I just want to close my eyes and stop thinking for a while.

24 mar 2024

Coax me

Ayer me reí tanto que el universo desapareció ante mis ojos y solo éramos nosotros tomando té y recordando nuestros tiempos de colegio, como si nada estuviera mal, como si todo fuera perfecto y tuviéramos todo el tiempo del mundo.
Y entonces pensé en lo bonito que sería que me hicieras reír de la misma manera. 

19 mar 2024

Psss

 It's not rocket science darling, just show me that you will kill and die for me.

17 mar 2024

Another dream

My fingers were lost between his,
pressing me down on the mattress and stealing short breaths of death.
I was helpless, lost in a dance that I cannot name,
embracing the moon and dancing on her edges.

My neck was stretched to its full length,
the pain as intense as the pleasure,
bringing tears to my eyes,
tears filled with yearning.

The noises that escaped my throat were too weak to be heard,
but your breath near my ear intensified my longing.
Shivers ran down my spine, and I went numb for a moment,
trying to say your name but holding it back because it was so forbidden.

I needed to bite you, I had to do it, I must
taste your flesh, taste your blood,
make you mine,
and make you wince in pain.

I am what I am, and you have left me starved.

10 mar 2024

Sick

Curiosamente, y como funciona el destino. Me habló ayer en la noche para preguntarme como estaba, que había soñado conmigo. Y por momentos quise decirle que estaba todo mal y que solo quería estar entre sus brazos toda la noche y que hiciera lo que quisiera conmigo. Pero gracias al rey demonio que solo fue un pensamiento de milisegundos, no alcancé ni a poner el dedo en las letras, agradezco también mi falta de impulsividad.
No olvido lo mal que me porté, lo mal que se portó, y el daño que nos hicimos. Incluso si nunca estuvimos juntos 'juntos', nunca le pusimos nombre. Aún así me da risa el hecho de que revolotea cada cierto tiempo en mi orbita. casi queriendo que no le olvide, que por ningún motivo vaya a hacerlo, ¿Qué tan tóxico es eso? ¿Debería bloquearlo o sólo lo dejo alimentar mi ego?
El tema es que no había pensado en él desde diciembre, que fue cuando me dijo feliz navidad. Simplemente ahora me encontró vulnerable, y la verdad si necesito nanais, pero no de él, nada de él. 


9 mar 2024

 Estoy enojadaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

23 feb 2024

A Little hope

Can I talk about you?
Can I give myself the permission to name you?
Can I allow myself to dream?
Cause I'm scared as fuck.

But I'm thinking a lot about you,
And all our interactions seem to be playing in my head like a record,
rolling in my memories.

Is there a possibility that this goes the right way?
Or was it doomed since the beginning?
I'm still swimming in doubts, but I don't wanna drown.
If it's not by your hands on my neck, I don't wanna choke.

But you seem so amazed by me, is it true?
Does my little me bewitch someone like you?
If someone had told me that we would achieve this kind of closeness, I wouldn't have believed it.
Be true, that's all that I'm asking, because I'm being really honest, and I don't want to hide or fake anything.
I don't wanna be hurt, but I don't wanna stay with that annoying 'if' between my lips.
Make me feel, because I thought that I didn't have feelings for anyone anymore.
It turns out that I was so mistaken.
God, give me this, only this, this little moment, this sporadic nothing, that could become more.


5 feb 2024

U are not the driver anymore

It embarrasses me now,
it actually makes me cringe if I think about it.

The fact that I was so devoted to you,
that you could have molded me into anything you desired,
asked anything of me,
had me on my knees for you,
grabbed my hair,
choked me,
broke my arm,
or pulled my legs or all of my strings.

There was a moment that I didn't have a will of my own,
but you were my will.
Yes, it is embarrassing,
was it love?
Was my perception of my love for you so mistaken?

Or was it more like a dog,
like a slave to his master,
I don't know.

But what I do know,
is that I will never want to feel like that again,
so powerless in my own actions,
so little,
so nothing.



21 ene 2024

Feeling high

I've seen so many moons,
swam in so many oceans,
burned with many suns,
And I've always left my door open,
patiently awaiting your arrival.

I've walked many paths,
run on so many streets,
slept enveloped in your memory,
mouth open,
waiting for my words to emerge.

Today, I've left behind all the longings of what could have been,
shedding all traces of memories,
even when I thought it was for eternity.

The cards showed me
that even though mourning is a process like a roller coaster,
today, I'm feeling so high
that I can no longer see anyone by my side.

16 ene 2024

After all this time?

I think I'm going to **** you until the end of time,
when my voice has lost its tone,
when my legs have no more strength,
when my eyes can no longer see,
and my arms can no longer reach you.

I think I'm going to cherish you in my memories,
when no one meets my standards,
when no other person can dry my tears like you,
when no one else can make me forget,
because after all these years, you are still the one I long for.

I think I'm going to keep all my words,
and I'm going to preserve all my truth,
I'll try not to blame or mistreat myself,
I'll try not to hurt myself,
thinking about how I wasn't enough for you.
To think that maybe if I were skinnier, prettier, funnier,
you would have stayed.
You would have fought,
because I couldn't fight alone...

10 ene 2024

 He estado en shock desde el Lunes, de verdad no podrías caer más bajo ante mis ojos. 

3 ene 2024

Honey, are you coming?

My bad reputation precedes me,
they say I play games,
that I'm not sincere,
that I'm cold and escape commitment,
oh well, I can't say otherwise.

But I always warned you to turn around,
because it's always frozen here,
It's July every day.

Just like my frozen hands on your neck,
choking you with my words,
drowning you in your hopes.

The more you try to reach for heaven,
the more I'll drag you to hell,
the more you try to take my hands,
the more I'll push you away,
and if you dare to even think of a future,
oh well, prepare yourself to be deceived.

You can't defeat what I am,
nor try to change me,
what I am, I have decided,
and I have decided to not forget what I am.